The Archives: Crashing

Back in my scarfie days before Facebook, Myspace and Vorb, I made Faceplant on a crapped-out Celeron 433 from the PC company. It's all mildly embarrassing, but worth preserving for posterity.... I think.

Let’s face it, if you ride a mountain-bike, chances are that at some stage you’re gonna crash! Here at Faceplant, in the interests of being informative and showing some form of humanity wish to provide some helpful advice on the age-old tradition of crashing, because mountain-biking is a serious sport, and serious web-sites have hints and tips on riding....

Let it happen, it comes naturally and it's one of the few skills you'll ever have to try hard to learn, but how do you achieve that really special crash? Here’s a few pointers...

• Remember, speed and height are your friends!
• Ignore those cracks around your head tube, some will say it's a broken frame, we say it's an opportunity.
• It's not a crash unless there's blood or bruises, bonus points for broken bones.
• If at a popular event, look around for a camera crew or journalists to document your exploits, that way you can sit around with your friends later on with a few beers looking at what happened and remembering the fun times you had (before you ended up in that neckbrace...)
• Body armour is for wimps, you want some decent scars to show off to girls at the bar. Nix that tip if you have a girlfriend or wife....
• Having said that, an exception would be that you really should wear a full-face helmet, unless sucking mashed peas through a straw and paying for your dentist's new Mercedes appeals to you.

As the most hard-core and experienced rider may know, there’s about two seconds just before your body makes contact with the hard ground or tree, where your mind suddenly processes millions of thoughts. This is often referred to as “MY LIFE FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES!!!”, that may be true, but speaking from personal experience here’s what usually goes through my mind....

• awwwwwwnononononononononononoaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh!
• watch out for that tree, tree, tree, tree, TREE!!!
• Go limp, don’t tense up.... yeah right, like that'll make much difference
• Fluffing = tweaking, so why did that stem bolt come loose?
• You are NOT Brian Lopes, You are NOT Bender, so what the F@#k was that you were trying to do back there?
• How much damage will this do to my bike?
• CAN I AFFORD WHAT THIS WILL DO TO MY BIKE !?!?
• I remember this rock from last time....
• This is the last time I try this double.
• “oh yeah!” said the salesman, “dual suspension is so safe, you’ll hardly ever crash!” he said...

Why single pivots kick ass.

I did a wee rave about the bullit and it's ilk over at Stylie's.

Is it bad I really WANT this?

Behold, BACON EXPLOSION!!!  Here’s what you’ll need…

2 pounds thick cut bacon
2 pounds Italian sausage
1 jar of your favorite barbeque sauce
1 jar of your favorite barbeque rub

http://www.bbqaddicts.com/blog/recipes/bacon-explosion/

barred up.

Oh god. The pie-sized spring for the Bullit's shock is here. Excitement abounds.

I must however, cork the enthusiasm, lest I end up like this guy...

Having said that, the thought of having a whole bunch of squishy travel with which to huck myself of small buildings really has me fizzing at the bung. Hopefully I'll have some evidence of the fun-making sometime soon.

The Archives: Injuries

Back in my scarfie days before Facebook, Myspace and Vorb, I made Faceplant on a crapped-out Celeron 433 from the PC company. It's all mildly embarrassing, but worth preserving for posterity.... I think.


Have you ever walked down the street and seen someone with a cycling top on looking like a complete punter on their $10000 lizzed-out super-slushee wondering if they've got the goods or are they just there for pose value? Well look no further fellow cynics! Use this page as a reference point, secure in the knowledge that when they look down their nose at you and your humble, faithful steed, you can look 'em straight in the eye and and say with confidence...POSER!

The Archives: Sifting

Back in my scarfie days before Facebook, Myspace and Vorb, I made Faceplant on a crapped-out Celeron 433 from the PC company. It's all mildly embarrassing, but worth preserving for posterity.... I think. 
I should also note that "sifting" used to refer to a somewhat dubious night out on the town trying to find a member of the opposite sex to keep you warm at night. These days its supposed meanings are far more innocent. Although after what I saw over the holidays, the first one seems far more appropriate.

You thought all of that riding would bring you success, you'd be the ultimate chick/stud-puller with your rock hard legs and wash-board abs from all the miles you were putting in the saddle. Then you discovered downhill, and all of a sudden riding uphill and getting fit became nothing more than a hassle...

New bike! Back to the future!

Stylie is a wonderful man. I've been taking my time in-between baby feeds and impromptu naps to build up this:

2010 Santa Cruz Bullit, seven inches of single-pivot travel wrapped up in a tasty red paint job. I spent a lot of last week hand-wringing over what I wanted to do with it, full-on gravity sled for doing shuttles or heavy-duty all-mountain rig? Given the parts I had lying around I went for the former, this sin't much of a problem in the long run because I remembered this:

My original 2003 Bullit, I bought this second-hand back in 2006 after waiting far too long for Santa Cruz to release the new version. I built this thing up in so many different configurations that by the time I moved it on I was trail-riding it every day. So maybe with a few component changes my current bike might end up the same way, who knows? That's part of the fun on owning a frame like this.

Much fun and merriment shall commence.