The Archives: Crashing

Back in my scarfie days before Facebook, Myspace and Vorb, I made Faceplant on a crapped-out Celeron 433 from the PC company. It's all mildly embarrassing, but worth preserving for posterity.... I think.

Let’s face it, if you ride a mountain-bike, chances are that at some stage you’re gonna crash! Here at Faceplant, in the interests of being informative and showing some form of humanity wish to provide some helpful advice on the age-old tradition of crashing, because mountain-biking is a serious sport, and serious web-sites have hints and tips on riding....

Let it happen, it comes naturally and it's one of the few skills you'll ever have to try hard to learn, but how do you achieve that really special crash? Here’s a few pointers...

• Remember, speed and height are your friends!
• Ignore those cracks around your head tube, some will say it's a broken frame, we say it's an opportunity.
• It's not a crash unless there's blood or bruises, bonus points for broken bones.
• If at a popular event, look around for a camera crew or journalists to document your exploits, that way you can sit around with your friends later on with a few beers looking at what happened and remembering the fun times you had (before you ended up in that neckbrace...)
• Body armour is for wimps, you want some decent scars to show off to girls at the bar. Nix that tip if you have a girlfriend or wife....
• Having said that, an exception would be that you really should wear a full-face helmet, unless sucking mashed peas through a straw and paying for your dentist's new Mercedes appeals to you.

As the most hard-core and experienced rider may know, there’s about two seconds just before your body makes contact with the hard ground or tree, where your mind suddenly processes millions of thoughts. This is often referred to as “MY LIFE FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES!!!”, that may be true, but speaking from personal experience here’s what usually goes through my mind....

• awwwwwwnononononononononononoaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh!
• watch out for that tree, tree, tree, tree, TREE!!!
• Go limp, don’t tense up.... yeah right, like that'll make much difference
• Fluffing = tweaking, so why did that stem bolt come loose?
• You are NOT Brian Lopes, You are NOT Bender, so what the F@#k was that you were trying to do back there?
• How much damage will this do to my bike?
• CAN I AFFORD WHAT THIS WILL DO TO MY BIKE !?!?
• I remember this rock from last time....
• This is the last time I try this double.
• “oh yeah!” said the salesman, “dual suspension is so safe, you’ll hardly ever crash!” he said...